I am in kind of a fierce period of thinking and processing what has happened to me. My brain has been so confused from the initial brain injury and the subsequent grieving. I feel like I have thought things and made decisions that may not have been the most helpful in my healing. I am in no way disappointed in myself with those thoughts and decisions but as I regain new clarity, I am encouraged by my ability to make better choices. My focus before was just to figure out how to make it through that moment and that day, but I am finally feeling like I can look ahead and look forward to things and actually want to make plans and see people. This desire is a huge change from the days that I just needed to be alone. This past weekend I sang in my church choir for the first time since the accident. It included a Friday night worship and communion service and then 3 services on Sunday. It was extremely demanding both emotionally and physically but so awesome to be able to worship God!!!! The picture is after the Friday night service, where my daughter was able to attend because she sat with a very good friend of my family – her Aunt LeLe and this is her son Terry who Alana absolutely adores! I would like to put up a few pictures of the event so you all can see what a wonderful event it is. In the first two you can’t see the choir, but I promise we are there! The last one is a view of the stage and you can see the choir in the background. They are my church family and I am so grateful for that blessing in my life. The third picture is my favorite because it was taken by a friend of mine who is doing the work to reestablish her relationship with God and I am so proud of her!
Okay so my thoughts, and thoughts, and more thoughts:
I shared two pretty significant thinking events on Facebook and would like to put them on here to share with all of you. I am encouraged by the deep level of support I am being shown and thank you all so much for caring how I am doing both mentally and physically.
Monday night’s post:
It is assumed that the hardest part of losing Glen is not receiving his affection towards me. But, for me, the hardest part is actually not being able to express my love to him. I was made to love. My days with Glen were perfect because everyday I got to express love, see how his day went, give him a hug and a kiss at the door, fix the bad or disappointing parts of his day. I miss those moments the most.
Tonight I had the joy and blessing of speaking to a wise person on the phone. They said to “Embrace this time in your life, for yourself, because it is a season that is impossible to avoid. You are in a healing season and you have to be really intentional about it. And seek God. As you seek God, the lover within you can be completely fulfilled.”
That’s real talk!
Then I had the distinct pleasure and joy of receiving these comments from friends! 🙂
- Sandra, you absolutely amaze me with your strength and determination, prayers are with you and your beautiful family… 🙂
- Sandra, YOU ARE A LOVER and thats what I have always loved about you. I love you so much! You are one of the strongest women I know. I continue to pray for you and for healing
- u can do it sandy. 🙂
- You are truly a strong woman and I look forward to meet you soon …
- God is good and your love is touching everyone.You will be healed and possibly someday reach out to another needing to be healed..paying it forward is one of the most beautiful things we can do in this life..you are giving your children some powerful lessons on “love” , I’m sure. 🙂
- Those are some wise words sent from the Lord. ♥
- Yeah that deserves a “that’s good sir”! 🙂
- Amen to that….
- You are so special!
- Your strength is awe inspiring, you are one amazing woman Sandra!
Tuesday night’s post:
I no longer have a life partner and so this time in my life is kind of a reawakening of that part of me. And there is no easy way to one day be a happily married person and the next day through no choice of you or your spouse be considered a single person and a single parent. There is a lot of uncertainty that goes with this and every day is new challenge after new challenge. The one feeling I never experienced with Glen was doubt of my abilities as a parent, wife, or friend. And right now I daily have those types of doubts.
From the same conversation with the wise person the other night, it was nice to hear “You are the bomb. You have a lot going on for you. Don’t ruin it by making the wrong thing your focus. You need to get gangster 🙂 in this time of your life. In this healing season, no person can do that for you or be what Glen was to you.” The friend said to trust them as a friend to set some boundaries in my life. You set boundaries because you want better things than you’ve had in your life so far. I am challenged by some of the new boundaries in my life as I want to get in life again and feel alive. I am so thankful to have friends who deal with my confusion and insecurities and help me set some boundaries that will help me be successful. I feel like what happened to me, made me have to take a look at some of my boundaries, and that defining and protecting my boundaries when necessary is going to be an important part of the healing. Also being able to see and accept other people’s boundaries in their life. Rebuilding. Every day. Rebuilding life.