Today started off fantastic. That’s the trouble with grief. Although you feel good, even great at times, the grief can escalate at any moment. Because I am a positive person by nature, it is no surprise that I want to always share the positive moments with you all. However, it’s unrealistic to not acknowledge the depth of pain I also experience most days.
Yesterday was the beginning to this good day. After the kids got home from school, we had some amazing time outside in the sunshine, playing and having a snack. After putting Cameron to bed, Alana and I hung out. We first picked out the way we were going to paint her room. We found the perfect idea and now it will just be a matter of figuring out how to paint it! 🙂 She likes to watch YouTube videos (especially of Justin Bieber) and sing along and is just so cute doing it. We laughed hard. This morning was awesome. First, I made cinnamon rolls for the kids and we ate them while watching Horton Hears a Who in my bed.
Then I got ready to do an outside run. My 5K is only 2 weeks away and I have not done much distance. My first time on the track I broke it into 1/8 mile segments (half of a lap), rotating between running and walking. This time I decided to do full laps rotating! My friend Lisa came to run with me. She is the one who suggested this particular 5K to be my first one, she has run it twice in the past and will be running it with me. I appreciate her for understanding how working towards a goal is such a wonderful motivator to keep fighting. Well she helped me feel really motivated today!!! I did 4 laps walking and 3 laps running for 1.75 miles in 28:06!!! This is the furthest distance I have gone yet. My first time on the treadmill was .25 of a mile. It feels good to see so much growth in such a short time. And as I was learning in my half marathon training – hard work does pay off!
It would be easy to stop the recollection of my day there, but it would not be a realistic depiction of how difficult my days are sometimes. The kids had a hard afternoon for no particular reason and neither one could stop crying. I finally went and held Cameron until he fell asleep and then after some serious coping techniques and talking was able to get Alana to stop crying. She left my room to go get a game to play and this is where the grief took over. I got them through their difficult time but the person I needed to get me through mine was not here. And because of that I really missed my husband today. Like really missed him. I kept picturing him walking through the door and just fixing all of the things that were going wrong for me and the kids. And I dwelled in that place for a while before I was ready to move one. My life has taken a huge turn, resulting in my feelings being broken and lost. And as I begin picking up the pieces, I have become aware that they will not go back to the way they were unless I force them to. One book I’m reading says that our traumatic loss experience “tempts us to shrink in fear and find a very small zone of comfort in which we can hide, hoping to heal there. Wrong. Hiding does not bring healing. In that cocoon, fear grows, depression can become permanent, and the huge possibilities of our future will never be realized. What we did and who we were in the past may be our foundation, but they do not define our future.” I believe this with all of my being. My past does not define my future, God defines my future. To me, my future is unknown and that is a painful thing to accept. I wish my brain would do a better job of accepting things for what they are right now. However, I have been able to accept that each time my grief comes, I can dwell in it as long as needed but I can not get comfortable in that place and get stuck. That is why I write, that is why I read, that is why I attend Grief Share, small group at church, and counseling. Because as I have found with my running, I now see in my healing – hard work does pay off!