moving forward

navigating through the life that was and moving into the life that is

Learning to live with the daily ups and downs

on March 10, 2012

Today started off fantastic.  That’s the trouble with grief. Although you feel good, even great at times, the grief can escalate at any moment. Because I am a positive person by nature, it is no surprise that I want to always share the positive moments with you all.  However, it’s unrealistic to not acknowledge the depth of pain I also experience most days.

Yesterday was the beginning to this good day. After the kids got home from school,  we had some amazing time outside in the sunshine, playing and having a snack. After putting Cameron to bed, Alana and I hung out.  We first picked out the way we were going to paint her room.  We found the perfect idea and now it will just be a matter of figuring out how to paint it! 🙂 She likes to watch YouTube videos (especially of Justin Bieber) and sing along and is just so cute doing it.  We laughed hard. This morning was awesome.  First, I made cinnamon rolls for the kids and we ate them while watching Horton Hears a Who in my bed.

Then I got ready to do an outside run.  My 5K is only 2 weeks away and I have not done much distance. My first time on the track I broke it into 1/8 mile segments (half of a lap), rotating between running and walking.  This time I decided to do full laps rotating!  My friend Lisa came to run with me. She is the one who suggested this particular 5K to be my first one, she has run it twice in the past and will be running it with me.  I appreciate her for understanding how working towards a goal is such a wonderful motivator to keep fighting. Well she helped me feel really motivated today!!!  I did 4 laps walking and 3 laps running for 1.75 miles in 28:06!!! This is the furthest distance I have gone yet.  My first time on the treadmill was .25 of a mile.  It feels good to see so much growth in such a short time.  And as I was learning in my half marathon training – hard work does pay off!

It would be easy to stop the recollection of my day there, but it would not be a realistic depiction of how difficult my days are sometimes.  The kids had a hard afternoon for no particular reason and neither one could stop crying.  I finally went and held Cameron until he fell asleep and then after some serious coping techniques and talking was able to get Alana to stop crying.  She left my room to go get a game to play and this is where the grief took over. I got them through their difficult time but the person I needed to get me through  mine was not here.  And because of that I really missed my husband today. Like really missed him.  I kept picturing him walking through the door and just fixing all of the things that were going wrong for me and the kids.  And I dwelled in that place for a while before I was ready to move one.  My life has taken a huge turn, resulting in my feelings being broken and lost.  And as I begin picking up the pieces, I have become aware that they will not go back to the way they were unless I  force them to.  One book I’m reading says that our traumatic loss experience “tempts us to shrink in fear and find a very small zone of comfort in which we can hide, hoping to heal there. Wrong. Hiding does not bring healing.  In that cocoon, fear grows, depression can become permanent, and the huge possibilities of our future will never be realized.  What we did and who we were in the past may be our foundation, but they do not define our future.”  I believe this with all of my being.  My past does not define my future, God defines my future. To me, my future is unknown and that is a painful thing to accept. I wish my brain would do a better job of accepting things for what they are right now.  However, I have been able to accept that each time my grief comes, I can dwell in it as long as needed but I can not get comfortable in that place and get stuck.  That is why I write, that is why I read, that is why I attend Grief Share, small group at church, and counseling.  Because as I have found with my running, I now see in my healing – hard work does pay off!

7 responses to “Learning to live with the daily ups and downs

  1. Uncle Jim says:

    Lily and Madeleine loved seeing you and Alana and Cameron (and Uncle Doug and Cousin Tom) today. I know that the ending was rough for everyone. Lily was sad about Alana being sad. Maddy was sad about you being sad. I felt bad for everyone. But it is in knowing that sadness comes from the immense amount of love and compassion that we have for each other that makes it bearable. I look forward to seeing you all again.

  2. francine betancourt says:

    Every time I read your blogs or facebook posts I am at a lost for words. The positive outlook you have on life and the strength that you display from within is so amazing. I cant tell you how much my heart hurt for you and the kids when all this happened, because when I look at your family I see my own. You are a wonderful & strong woman and mother. I am happy to see how far you have come. Although the road has been anything but easy, you have definitely come a long way. I continue to keep you and the kids in my prayers everyday. I know we have never met but I hope one day we do. Sending love and prayers from NY.

  3. Lynn Mapes says:

    Sandy although I have followed all the postings and sent my prayers and thoughts right after the accident I have not reached out to you personally. I think partially because I have been at a loss for words, anything I felt I could say seemed insignificant. I just want you to know that I am so impressed with the woman, mother, and wife that you have become. I am so sorry for all the pain you have endured, I so wish it were not so but I do know that God has reasons and plans for all of us. I just want you to know that I think about you and hold you and your family in my prayers.

  4. Michael Caldwell says:

    I am Elyce Caldwell Urich’s Uncle Michael.

    I have just been reading your Posts, and I want you to know how deeply they have touched me.

    I am at home recovering from a botched surgery on Februsary 21. On Februsary 1 my wife, Mary Jane, and I lost her only sister, Debbie, with whom we were very close. We are dealing with the grief day-by-day along with Debbie’s husband and her daughter.

    Reading your Posts, which are so deeply spiritual and so brilliantly and clearly written has helped me immensely. I believe it will help Mary Jane and our brother-in-law Frank and our neice Kim as well. Your strength, your faith and the authenticity of your description of this grieving process are an inspiration for us all. Thank you for sharing them with us.

    Best wishesand prayers for a full recovery to you and your beautiful children.

    Michael Caldwell

    • sandraglen says:

      I will pray for your continued strength through the multitude of events that have transpired in your life. You even being able to tell me about it and talk about it shows me that you are healing. It shows me that you are being intentional in your desire to move to the other side of grief, not settling in grief and getting stuck. I am so encouraged to hear your positive attitude and your acknowledgement that the grief is a day-by-day process. Some days or moments are good, even great, and some are terrible, but I am so encouraged by Psalm 30:5 “Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.” Start with that joy every morning, believing that there will be a time when you will pass to the other side of this process.
      Grace and Peace,

  5. Meg says:

    Hi Sandra,
    I kind of stumbled onto your blog by accident; I hope this isn’t too forward of me, as I don’t know you personally, but I wanted to tell you that it’s actually been quite comforting for me to read your posts. I have an aunt who went through an ordeal very similar to yours two years ago, and though she’s from a different country, religion, etc, she experienced a lot of the same struggles and emotions as you, especially with raising two young children. It is inspirational for me to see you being strong through your tragedy and being able to put your sorrows behind you for the sake of your children and your own personal growth. I pray that my aunt can find the same inner strength that you have found and continue to find.

    • sandraglen says:

      I am so glad you found my blog. I believe that it is so important to share what I am going through because it is so life transforming, as I’m sure your Aunt can relate to. I will be praying for healing and strength for her and for her children as well.

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