“When a heart breaks, no it don’t breakeven”

I am finding that grief is layered, it is complex, and it hurts.  It involves discovery.  Each new layer is a discovery and these are not always exciting or peaceful discoveries. Some are expected and may be even likable and then there are those discoveries that leave us wishing we could just go back to where we were; the discovery that presents us with a new reality that we hadn’t even thought of or considered yet.  I hit a new level of grief in the last few weeks and would give anything to not feel this way right now.  I don’t feel strong, I don’t feel able, I don’t feel happy, or content, I just feel sad, sad deep in the recesses of my heart that Glen used to nurture and provide for. And while I am willing to accept that all of this is part of the process, I can tell you that it does not make the actual doing of it any easier.  I wish there was a timeline for all grieving, a length of time you knew you would have to spend in each phase. But there is not a timeline or a format for grief.  It is complex and varied and so different for each person.

Sunday was Mother’s Day and Glen always made a huge deal of this day for me.  I had really planned ahead mentally and was having a great morning.  Breakfast in bed from my kids and homemade cards from both of them.  I then went to church with my mom and it was an amazing message that spoke right to me about my importance as a mother.  I wept through the majority of the service and then came the last part.  Our Pastor said that every year the church recognizes the single mothers and to show appreciation of them despite how they got there, the church gives each one of them a envelope with a $50 bill in it so they can do something for themselves. And I lost it. I’m a single mother. I’m. A. Single. Mother. I specifically remember Glen and I hearing this last year and being like oh wow that’s so cool.  How different things can be in a year.

The other important thing that Pastor Kevin Queen talked about is mothers having unrealistic expectations for themselves. Sound familiar?  In an interesting twist, he talked about how social media can really be an instigator of these expectations.  That when women post on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, it is like their press release.  They get to choose what they put in it and by default get to choose the type of person they want people to see them as.  Other women see these postings and think, “why can’t I do that/be like her?” I thought about this and wanted to be sure that my life is not just a press release, that I am not just reporting on the things I want people to believe about me.  I will absolutely continue to post good and even great news on Facebook, because there is joy in each day. But I do not want those posts to undermine the fact that life is really hard for me right now and each day is a struggle.  I am not done grieving, I am not done hurting, I am not okay moment to moment, but I am really excited that my three year old decided he needed underwear and I am excited that I was able to host a housewarming party for 95 people who contributed over 125 books for my new non-profit 🙂 What that does not mean is that I am fine, or not in any pain. I can only take it one moment at a time.

This is a song about breaking up but there is much of it that applies to how I am feeling and I wanted to share those lyrics:

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathin
‘Cause when a heart breaks, no it don’t breakeven

What am I suppose to do
When the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say
When I’m all choked up and you’re okay

I’m falling to pieces, yeah
I’m falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
‘Cause he’s moved on while I’m still grieving
And when a heart breaks, no it don’t breakeven, even, no

What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I suppose to say
When I’m all choked up and you’re okay

I’m falling to pieces, yeah
I’m falling to pieces, yeah
I’m falling to pieces
I’m falling to pieces
(‘Cause when a heart breaks, no it don’t breakeven)

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
‘Cause when a heart breaks, no it don’t break
No it don’t break, no it don’t breakeven, no

What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I supposed to say
When I’m all choked up and you’re okay

I’m falling to pieces, yeah
I’m falling to pieces, yeah
I’m falling to pieces
I’m falling to pieces

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