moving forward

navigating through the life that was and moving into the life that is

9 months…

on August 5, 2012

Nine months ago today, my life changed drastically. Changed in a way I could not have ever imagined possible.  Changed the trajectory of where I envisioned my life going. Changed me.

The 5th of each month for me is a difficult day.  The day is difficult because it is the day that everything actually changed. It is the day my brain suffered a traumatic injury.  It is the day that catastrophic damage was done to my husband’s body.  It is the day my children witnessed these injuries and lost a piece of their innocence that I can not give them back. It is a day I mourn.

The 5th  brings to mind the question you will hear people ask each other, “if you could do it all over, would you do anything differently?” My mind wants to say, wants to shout, “Yes, yes, yes.” I would not have started running.  I would not have started participating in races. I would not have picked that race, that day, at that time. But my heart knows better. My heart is at peace with the way that everything happened. At peace with the way the intricate details of life led us to that day.

This peace with that day does not negate my grief, my sadness, my weaknesses, my imperfections, my trauma. I am reminded daily of the ways that my body and brain are different.  I am still so easily physically exhausted and my brain is so easily confused at times. And I am hard on myself. Too hard. And I will be the first to admit that.  It is a process that I am working on each and every day.  I am acknowledging this new person, the mistakes I make, whether from my brain injury or from grief. I am becoming accustomed to this new person and not being so hard on myself when I don’t live up to the expectations I have for myself. As I work on this part of me and remember to grant myself the forgiveness and mercy God has for me, these lyrics often go through my head:

I am not the same Iʼm a new creation
I am not the same anymore
I am not ashamed I will not be shaken
I am not the same anymore

You restore the wasted years,
You build the broken walls
Your love replaces fear,
Your mercy makes us whole
Adopted healed and lifted

I am not the same Iʼm a new creation
I am not the same anymore
I am not ashamed I will not be shaken
I am not the same anymore

I bow before your cross, A broken life made new
Amazed at all You are, And who I am in You
Adopted healed and lifted
Forgiven found and rescued

You have overcome, it is finished, it is done
Now my heart is finally free
Every chain undone, by the power of the Son
Risen Savior, Reigning King

One response to “9 months…

  1. You continue to amaze me everyday. God Bless you and your family

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