moving forward

navigating through the life that was and moving into the life that is

November 1st

on November 1, 2012

And the month has arrived, every last moment with him, every last conversation, every last kiss and last hug. And I want them all back.  I want to go back to this week last year and soak it all in. Relive those memories and really hold on to them. Stare him in those gorgeous dark eyes and tell him how much I love him. I’m comforted knowing that although I don’t remember that day at all, I remember kissing him goodnight the night before and him letting me know how proud and excited he was for the next day.

Then November 5th arrived. And the terrifying and trying month that entailed. I wish, as do many people I’m sure, that I could choose not to relive this month of my life.  It still feels so foreign and so confusing.  Those early days home were tough. I would stay in our room and there were moments I would just sit in the closet and sob and look through all his clothes.  There were days when I didn’t leave my room all day because what was outside those doors was more than I could deal with.

And the journey that has brought me to a year later has been one wrought with all kinds of emotions. Deep hurts to overflowing joys. My life has been filled with an overwhelming amount of experiences and realizations. Those early days are behind me but the pain is sometimes just as present.  Despite this I am glad that the person I was this month last year is not who I am now.  The difference is that I am able to fight through it now, able to function through it and luckily those darker days are far and few between and most days I’m ready to take on the day. Even excited about the day.

All the signs of life
They’re all around me with every heartbeat
I feel so alive,
I am joy and sadness,
Peace and madness
If only I can fight just a little longer
I know It’s gonna make me stronger

I just keep holding on to what I believe
Oh, I believe in you
Give me the strength to fight
And the heart to believe
When it’s hard to believe in you

Oh and these are the times when doubt’s tryin’ to creep in
And I need a reason that’s larger than life when hope seems hard to find

If only I can fight just a little longer
I know it’s gonna make me stronger

So I’ll just keep holding on, holding on, holding on
I’ll just keep holding on, holding on
I’ll just keep holding on to what I believe
Oh, I believe in you
Give me the strength for the fight
And the heart to believe
Cause I’ve got to believe
I’ll just keep holding on, holding on, holding on
Give me strength for the fight
And the heart to believe

‘Cause I’ve got to believe in you
Oh oh oh oh oh
Yeah I’ve got to believe in you
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh, yeah I feel so alive.

The one thing I keep feeling lately is being tired of fighting.
Tired of fighting.

Just. Tired.  So I remind myself frequently to believe I have the strength for this fight, the ability to keep holding on,  and the heart to believe in Him.


9 responses to “November 1st

  1. tonia says:

    You have SUCH a HEART, and a SPIRIT. You have shown over and over again that SPIRIT and God’s GRACE shine so brightly through and around you.Keep fighting Girl…..Forward Motion!! Love YOU!!!!

  2. Mary Reavis says:

    I have been thinking of you and the kids an extra lot this past week. Prayers and hugs to you all.

  3. Mary Anne says:

    Oh Sandra. Hold on, honey. God is with you and we love you.

  4. Jeremy D says:

    So happy to know you and overjoyed to see all the light you bring to this world. You are a solid cornerstone of inspiration for anyone, especially me. Thanks 🙂

  5. Adele says:

    Sandra, you are such an inspiration to all ….. his beauty shines within you……you are truly amazing …. God Bless you and your beautiful family

  6. Jessica Deresch says:

    What amazing words by such an amazing woman. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with your family.

  7. Alison Hill (Horton) says:

    Thinking about you! I admire your strength. Take care.

  8. Jenna Graber says:

    “Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” ~ A. A. Milne

    Thinking of you and your family. Sending hugs…Jenna

  9. Missi says:

    Lifting you in my prayers today. I first learned of your journey through Robyn Smyles who posted on FB asking for prayers a year ago. My family also attends 12Stone. I admire your strength very much. May you feel encouraged as you press on in forward motion! Missi

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