Today I wanted to quit.
I was tired.
– of fighting
– of feeling
– of failing
I was tired.
– of renewing
– of reliving
I was tired.
And I acted tired. I threw a pity party for myself. Acted like an idiot. Acted angry. Acted irritated. And I’m sorry to those that I invited to the show. See I always have been and am even more so now, a quiet processor. Not a verbal processor. Not a speedy processor. A quiet processor. I need to close my eyes. I need to think. I need silence. I need time. I need quiet. I need. to. be. alone. Now this is often not a very comfortable thing for others to allow you to do. Others are ready to process right away. Me? Not so much. Other people can see you are hurting and they want to help you right then, that very instant. Me? Not so much. I repeat… I need time. I need quiet. I need. to. be. alone.
And I’m not sure if this is normal or not, but I think and problem solve in images and in songs or poetry. Sometimes ones that have already been created, sometimes in ones I have never seen or heard before. But I process in images. I can remember images or poems which I have used to process with in the past. But in order for me to do that, I have to be quiet and I have to be still and today it meant going to see Glen. And the minute I was there in front of the image of his grave this is what came to me – Winter’s Wait.
This song came from a person whom I have been very blessed to know in my life, Dustin AhKuoi. Here is a link to the song preview for the song because the lyrics to music are so incredibly amazing. ->Winter’s Wait
It turns my gaze to you
Oh, I pray for sleep and peace tonight
Oh, Keep me steady in the fight”
I’m not sure that this image will ever become less surreal. Today as I visited, the reality of it hit me all over again. Because of the season, the weather, and the dryness of the ground around Glen’s grave, the lyrics of the song came rushing into me head. Sometimes in Winter, we must wait. We must wait. For Spring, for new life, for the frozen ground to thaw. It was a reminder that although I wanted to quit that day, there was so much to fight for and to press forward for…
“And I won’t fold and I won’t break
Amidst the cold of Winter’s wait
For lo, the white and barren ground
Is melting into green
And LOVE will keep me through the storm
As frozen tears give way to songs
How long, how long, how long”
“There’s a silence in the atmosphere
All is still out on the streets
Though it haunts me when I’m lying here
You sing me to sleep
You hold me in my dreams”
“Oh, I need to rest my head tonight
Oh, grant me strength with morning’s light”
Then these thoughts…I don’t want to quit. Or fold. Or break. I just need to rest my head. I don’t want to quit. Strength will come with morning’s light.