moving forward

navigating through the life that was and moving into the life that is

Some days it just hurts

on September 21, 2013

Today is one of those days.

It started last night as I tucked my sweet boy into bed. After reading, he asked me if I could pray for school. Every day. And I said of course, is there a reason why? He said no let’s just pray about school every day. So I begin praying and he stops me and says,
“What will happen to me if you die?”
“What do you mean, baby?
“If you die. If I don’t have anyone? Where will I go?”
All while tears begin to flood to his eyes. And I can’t say the usual parent answer of, “Mommy’s not going to die, baby” because daddy did and that would be a lie.
So I said, “you know all the people that love us and that we love? You will live with them. Like Grandma and Grandpa in Michigan. They could move down here and live with you.”
“But what if you die? I will have nobody left.”
It is taking every once of willpower not to weep in front of him as I am now while writing this.
I repeat, “you will live here, in this house and grandma and grandpa will come live with you.”
“I will still have this room and these toys?”
“Yes, baby, everything will be the same. Nothing else would change.”
Last night I sang him a few extra songs. Held his hand and let my heart shatter for his broken heart and the fact that he worries about things like this. When I left his room, that is when I broke. I had no body to hold me, to tell me it was going to be okay, and in that moment, the reality of being a widow hit fresh and new again. It’s an empty feeling and I would give anything just to feel his hand on my forehead one more time or his voice in my ear.

Over the night, my daughter got a fever and is coughing, it’s cloudy and raining on and off today, and the UGA game was an afternoon one. It is the kind of day that Glen and I would have spent inside, with friends, watching the Dawgs. Instead, my kids took a nap, I watched the first half of the game alone and then I slept on and off. The game was an interesting one and I could just imagine all of the things Glen would have been saying and that made me miss him even more. Then I woke up with a headache, and by now, I just want my partner, my caretaker, my companion, my love by my side. The reality hits again. He is never coming back. And that sucks.

Today is one of those days.

9 responses to “Some days it just hurts

  1. loribowen says:

    This just had be sobbing like a baby. I dreamt about Glen last night, or as I like to think, Glen paid me a visit. Football season is the hardest for us, his close friends, but the Season of life is the hardest for you and your two little angels. My heart is still broken over my loss of Glen, but continues to break daily for the unimaginable, absence of his amazingness in the lives of the three people he loved most of all. So as I sob, and pray for Cameron to find strength and comfort from his heavenly Father until he can be in the comfort of the only Daddy’s arms he ever knew, I am loving you and hurting for you with all of my heart.

  2. Marti says:

    I am sorry for your pain today. Any day, really. Some days must just be harder than others, and I’m sorry today was a rough one for you. ❤

    • Sandra says:

      I have to say that you all are remarkable ladies and I’m so blessed to have you in my life. Marti I’m going to start my gratitude journal tomorrow! Thank you for blessing me with that idea.

  3. Tonia says:

    Oh sweetie I am so sorry you feel that way today, I wish I could take it all away for you…..praying the kiddos feel better….and the Sun starts shining on you a little brighter today. Love you!!!

  4. Cynthia Meeker says:

    Oh honey, I am so sorry for your sadness and that of Cameron’s. And you were so right to let him know that Grandma and Grandpa would be there for him if Mommy died. Broke my heart to read and can’t imagine how you were able to keep your composure when he shared his concern. He is such a sweet boy! You are a great mommy! Love you all so much!

  5. Alan says:

    Praying for you, Sandra.

  6. barb pitkin says:

    This may be terribly inappropriate but are there any single mutual friends of yours and Glens that you could possibly see, socially. I know it’s only been two years but I bet Glen would want someone’s caring arms around you AND his children. You are so young and lovely and full of spirit. This is probably a notion you put aside BECAUSE you have small children…but you were such a strong family…I would love to see someone who could appreciate what Glen gave you and respect his memory as well. There will be adjustments in your life…always.And moreso with you, Sandra because of your devastating loss! Maybe just a “football” buddy and if he hangs around and wrestles with cameron..BONUS! Sorry, if I crossed a line here (I do that often) but it’s coming from a good place in my heart…this blog made me cry for you (but in a good way, because you’ve come so far)

    • Sandra says:

      No, Barb, I totally appreciate you thinking of me. One of Glen’s cousins is 18 and has been like a big brother to him and its been great. I’m finally starting to feel social again and call people to do things. Social settings were very overwhelming for me for a while but I’m healing in that respect too. Thank you for always thinking of me!!!

  7. Cathy Commeret-Whitcomb says:

    My heart hurt and tears were shed as I read this. You are such a wonderful Mommy and woman. I pray your days get brighter. Love to all of you!

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