My babies are 5 and 9. Each day, I am so tired at night that when they are having trouble falling asleep and saying they are scared, I am less than sympathetic. I am exhausted. I am frustrated. Sleep deprived. And I don’t remember what it feels like to be 5 or 9, scared to fall asleep alone. Or scared of the nightmares that may come. Then it occurs to me, I do. After the nightmare I had recently, I was reminded of how terrible nightmares can be and how having someone’s hand to hold just makes it so much better. Or in Cameron’s case last night, a turtle to hold. Yes, he fell asleep like that. ❤
I am a vivid dreamer and I remember my dreams. I dream every night and usually remember them. However, since Glen passed away, although I have continued to dream vividly, I have only dreamt of him 5 times. The first dream was very early on and please remember I was on a lot of meds at that time. 😛 It was sort of like a Sandra Walker remix of a Quentin Tarantino film. Think Pulp Fiction with less drugs, less swearing and more music and dancing. Needless to say, I woke up wondering what the hell I had just dreamt. And why my first dream about him was that! It was a little disappointing, though highly entertaining.
The next dream which he was in was a very meaningful dream. He was here and everything was the same. The accident had happened, but he had decided to come back to be with us. He was back and I was blissfully unaware that the dream was going to end any differently. We were so happy and then all the sudden, he said he had to go. I was crying and begging him to stay and he just stoically stood there and said, “Sandra, you are okay, babe. You will be fine. I have to go.” I woke up with tears in my eyes and wanted so badly to go back to living that dream. It was clear that even in his absence, he was encouraging me to keep moving forward. There have been two other dreams that were not significant in any way other than that he was in them. And then there was the nightmare.
He left me. We were married. And he left. Out of nowhere. He left for “her”. He was this cold, uncaring version of himself that I have never seen. He was mean. He wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t explain why he left. He was just gone. In my dream, I just sat in our house, “the little green house”, and cried. Shocked, confused, destroyed. After waking up from this nightmare, I spent the day trying to just let it go, but feeling overwhelmed by sadness. Thankfully, I was with my mom and dad, who understood why it was so upsetting and helped me through the tears each time they returned. It felt so incredibly real. He wasn’t here to laugh it off with me, hold me tight and kiss the worry wrinkles in my forehead away.
The dream could have meant a lot of things, but here is what the dream meant to me. The first dream of him leaving was highly emotional, but comforting. He told me I would be okay. However, I may not always be the best listener the first time I am told something and Glen knew this. So here I was in Michigan, having this nightmare and at the end it was as though he told me, “this isn’t real, babe. Don’t make it hurt like this. I’m not leaving you and you are not leaving me. You can move home. You are okay, babe. We are okay.” Over the last month, several things have occurred that have given me the freedom to move home, despite not knowing I was waiting for permission. It was something I considered in the very beginning and I could not be more grateful that I did not go then. I had many lessons to learn and experiences to go through. Now, though, I am ready to dive into this new start for the kids and me.
It may seem trite or unbelievable, but in the days that followed, I believe I came full circle in my healing. I feel that two years, six months, and 15 days after the unimaginable happened to me, I saw the light of a new beginning.
After that nightmare, I was reminded how scary and real they feel. So instead of being exhausted by their nightly fears that are sparked from the realities of what they saw and experienced, I can ease their fears. When my babies come to me afraid, I can tell them to crawl in. That I’m here. That I am real. My love is real. That daddy loves us and we are okay. How do I know? He told me.