November 21st, 2011 … I have awoken 1,230 times without you since that day. That was the last time I saw you breathe. Felt your heart beat. Held your hand in mine. That part of it hurts every day. Every single day. Without you, has been long. When someone you love dies, your love for them never dies. Ever.
In the beginning, I woke up sad, defeated, hopeless, lonely and those feelings used to make me weak, paralyze me. Somewhere along the way, though, I began to wake up differently. I know it didn’t all happen in one day or one moment. It has been gradual and I have had to fight like hell to keep going. I fought for us. I fought for them and now that I think about it, I fought for me. At some point I finally started fighting for me, for my life. Now, I wake up happy. I wake up grateful. I wake up with expectation and excitement in my heart once again. And I want to tell you all about it. I want to tell you about Alana’s triumphs and her struggles. I want to tell you all the things that Cameron does that are just like you. Tell you when your son makes me laugh so hard I cry and your daughter dances so beautifully, my heart is absolutely still. I want to tell you when it’s hard and I’m not doing my best job. And I want to tell you that I’m happy too, and yes, tell you that I’m in love. You were my best friend and I know that you would want to hear that part too. I am in love and even more importantly, I am loved. I am loved by a man who is patient and understanding and knows that the two of you are not in a competition. You are “the love that was” and he is “the love that is”. Neither title makes the other one less important. I am blessed. Abundantly.
This song hit me today. Freed all of these thoughts from my heart. Made me smile. Oh the stories I will get to tell you one day. I want them to be good. I want to have lived well and I know that you want the same. So until I see you again, Glen, know that I am holding onto my memories and I will tell you all about it when I see you again. I love you.
It’s been a long day without you, my friend
And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again
We’ve come a long way from where we began
I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again.