Some days it just hurts

Today is one of those days.

It started last night as I tucked my sweet boy into bed. After reading, he asked me if I could pray for school. Every day. And I said of course, is there a reason why? He said no let’s just pray about school every day. So I begin praying and he stops me and says,
“What will happen to me if you die?”
“What do you mean, baby?
“If you die. If I don’t have anyone? Where will I go?”
All while tears begin to flood to his eyes. And I can’t say the usual parent answer of, “Mommy’s not going to die, baby” because daddy did and that would be a lie.
So I said, “you know all the people that love us and that we love? You will live with them. Like Grandma and Grandpa in Michigan. They could move down here and live with you.”
“But what if you die? I will have nobody left.”
It is taking every once of willpower not to weep in front of him as I am now while writing this.
I repeat, “you will live here, in this house and grandma and grandpa will come live with you.”
“I will still have this room and these toys?”
“Yes, baby, everything will be the same. Nothing else would change.”
“Okay.”
Last night I sang him a few extra songs. Held his hand and let my heart shatter for his broken heart and the fact that he worries about things like this. When I left his room, that is when I broke. I had no body to hold me, to tell me it was going to be okay, and in that moment, the reality of being a widow hit fresh and new again. It’s an empty feeling and I would give anything just to feel his hand on my forehead one more time or his voice in my ear.

Over the night, my daughter got a fever and is coughing, it’s cloudy and raining on and off today, and the UGA game was an afternoon one. It is the kind of day that Glen and I would have spent inside, with friends, watching the Dawgs. Instead, my kids took a nap, I watched the first half of the game alone and then I slept on and off. The game was an interesting one and I could just imagine all of the things Glen would have been saying and that made me miss him even more. Then I woke up with a headache, and by now, I just want my partner, my caretaker, my companion, my love by my side. The reality hits again. He is never coming back. And that sucks.

Today is one of those days.

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